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The Secret Lives of Girls: What Good Girls Really Do--Sex Play, Aggression, and Their Guilt, by Sharon Lamb
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From playground games of "chase and kiss" to rough-and-tumble soccer games, from slumber party stripteases to romantic fantasies behind closed doors, author Sharon Lamb coaxes out girls' true stories with uncommon sensitivity and focus. The result of more than 125 fascinating interviews with pre-teens, teenagers, and adult women, "The Secret Lives of Girls" reveals the ways that girls use their minds and bodies for private sexual play, mischief, and hidden aggression.
To truly understand what little girls are made of, Lamb suggests, we must listen not only to what they say to us but also to what they don't say, taking into account their hidden selves and the lives that we adults don't see. Yes, girls are known to be "good," but they manage to act out in decidedly ungirlish ways and, despite many parents' fears, be the better for it. What's most remarkable about Lamb's conclusions is that we needn't join the chorus of voices deploring a "girl-poisoning" culture for damaging our daughters. Instead, Lamb finds reason to celebrate girls' resilience in the face of pressures to conform -- and she does it by listening to them and to the women they have become. "The Secret Lives of Girls" explores such in-depth key issues as:
Using aggression wisely -- when girls need to walk away or to settle verbally, and when to fight. Girls needn't grow up afraid of their own toughness and power. Building self-esteem, self-respect, and the ambition to achieve -- anger and aggressive feelings can be the impetus for creative and productive work. Eighty percent of female executives of Fortune 500 companies identify as having been tomboys. Participating in highly physical sports -- karate orboxing, or team sports like soccer -- teaches girls to feel that their bodies are competent, and that they deserve to take up space. Recognizing daughters as sexual beings -- their love of sexy dress-up, their yearning to understand their bodies and their sensual desires. Accepting some kinds of sexual play -- teaching the difference between fun and bullying; setting a positive and supportive tone from birth through the grade school years.
From tomboys like "Julia," who runs with the boys in the streets of New York to "Abby," who led a "naked parade," the girls who share their stories here describe a hidden but fascinating world made up of more than girlish innocence. "The Secret Lives of Girls" is a welcome and much-needed addition to the literature on girls' lives and culture. It celebrates girls' hidden strengths, play, and needs, and opens a door for parents that can teach them how to understand their daughters better and help them grow.
- Sales Rank: #461926 in Books
- Brand: Brand: The Free Press
- Published on: 2002-02-26
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 9.50" h x .94" w x 6.14" l,
- Binding: Hardcover
- 272 pages
Features
- Used Book in Good Condition
Amazon.com Review
Let girls be girls, counsels psychologist Sharon Lamb in her provocative book The Secret Lives of Girls. "I want to be able to free girls and women to take off the shimmering costume of a femininity that equals goodness--to acknowledge all aspects of being human," she writes.
Reporting on 125 interviews with girls and women, Lamb details and normalizes the sexual play and anger expressed in the privacy of girls' bedrooms and playhouses. The result is a groundbreaking and guilt-free guide for parents and teachers to assist girls in accepting their sexual and aggressive feelings. Her portraits of girls' exuberant sexuality ("practice kissing," "I'll show you mine") and spontaneous anger (not-so-dear diary, pranks, and "cutting down") are fresh and fascinating. One particularly memorable chapter describes games of "naked Barbie" and applauds the lessons learned about becoming a sexual person rather than just a desired object.
Lamb's observations are so sharp that readers may wish the chapters offering her smart suggestions for change were longer. Some readers may be surprised and others unsettled by the vivid scenarios Lamb portrays. Still, by listening to girls and telling their stories without judgment, Lamb invites them to stop living a double life that ignores their anger and sexual feelings. She provides parents and teachers with a powerful and practical model of how to understand and nurture the hidden and genuine strengths of every girl. --Barbara Mackoff
From Publishers Weekly
Sexual play and acts of aggression are common for girls, according to Lamb, a psychology professor at St. Michael's College, but they are conducted in secrecy and often burden the participants with lifelong guilt. Based on interviews with 122 women and girls from a fairly wide range of socioeconomic and ethnic backgrounds (29 were African-American and 22 Latina), this accessible and engaging study reveals that most girls experience sexual and aggressive feelings that fall outside cultural notions of the "good girl." Lamb examines different ways girls express their ambivalence about their sexuality and aggressiveness: keeping their play and their anger secret from adults, sexually torturing their Barbie dolls and pretending to be victims or "playing dead" so that they can experience sensual pleasure without being full participants. She draws a clear line between sexual play and coercion, but at the same time finds examples of behavior that could be considered coercive by adults but was experienced by the girls as positive and pleasurable. Advocating a broader definition of "good girl," Lamb argues that the current emphasis on caring and sensitivity strips girls of a complete self-image, one where their sexual and aggressive "impulses exist alongside their sweetness, competence, and ability to love and care for others." Allowing girls "to practice these feelings and emotions in spaces where adults acknowledge them and help shape their development" is essential to helping them realize their full human potential, says the author. Agent, Carol Mann. (Mar. 5)Forecast: Parents seeking to understand how to talk to their daughters about sexuality, power or ways to deal with anger will learn much here.
Copyright 2002 Cahners Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
These are both excellent sociological studies about girls, women, and sexuality. In The Secret Lives of Girls, Lamb (psychology, St. Michael's Coll.) explores the idea (the myth?) of the "good girl." Many girls and young women, she attests, lead double lives, acting sweet and well behaved in public but sexual and aggressive and guilt-ridden in private. Using more than 125 interviews with girls and women of all races in 25 states, Lamb compellingly argues that girls are neither inherently "good" nor the passive victims whom some psychologists (e.g., Mary Pipher) have made them out to be. Teens and women often conceal their sexual desire and hunger for power via diaries and other secret means. Yet as little girls, they played healthy sexual games like catch-and-kiss and naked Barbies (though that finding pertains only to white America; Lamb found that African American girls rarely play sexual games with one other). Girls feel powerful (translation: good!) when they engage in mischief, swear, and successfully dominate siblings. Aside from revealing a misconception, this intriguing and significant book includes two chapters for parents, "Raising Sexual Girls" and "Raising Aggressive Girls." Highly recommended for social science and child-rearing collections. White, a freelance writer, reports on the high school slut. Who is she? Why is she so universal? What happens to her ten or 20 years after high school? White finds that girls seen as sluts always disagree with what the crowd claims they did, that the "slut" flourishes in a suburban landscape, and that, like anorexics, sluts are usually white. White's perspective is different from Naomi Wolf's in Promiscuities; Wolf concluded that "we" are all sluts, all "bad" girls, and that it's OK. Not so, says White. A deep chasm exists between "good" girls and girls perceived as sluts; it's "us" vs. "them," with girls as girls' worst enemies. While Wolf intertwined personal narrative with cultural history, White bases her conclusions on over 100 interviews with white, black, Latino, and Asian women with solid results. An excerpt of Fast Girls appeared in the New York Times Magazine; for social science collections. Linda Beck, Indian Valley P.L., Telford, PA
Copyright 2002 Reed Business Information, Inc.
Most helpful customer reviews
8 of 12 people found the following review helpful.
Teen aged Girls' Motivations and Why they're important
By A Customer
This book emphasizes individual stories, so no generalities can be drawn from it. However, it is so important that adolescent girls are able to accept their sexuality and grow into healthy and empowered young women. Any parent of a girl, pre teen or teenager, can benefit from reading this book and realizing that girls have curiosity and feelings that are important for their caretakers to respect and help discuss them in an emotionally healthy manner. The book helped me understand my long ago teen aged behavior from a different perspective than my family's Victorian ideas about discussing sexuality.
17 of 22 people found the following review helpful.
This book was disappointing...
By A Customer
I was really looking forward to reading this book, but was disappointed both by the content and the writing. Much of the book is made up of quotes from the women that Lamb interviewed, and most of the rest of the book seems to be Lamb's own clinical interpretation of these statements. I found her clinical opinions (e.g., something about believing it is ok for girls to shut the door of the bedroom and talk to each other with the lips of their vaginas) annoying and uninformed. In my estimation, the book mentioned, but underplayed the connection between early sexuality and previous or on-going sexual abuse... sure, it may be acceptable for girls to experiment sexually with each other, but it is the job of parents and psychologists to ensure that these behaviors did not stem from abuse. No, we don't want to raise women who are ashamed of their sexuality, but turning our backs on these behaviors is not always prudent, and may even be viewed as neglectful. I would also have found this book more useful if Lamb's findings had been integrated into other published research more often than into her own personal views.
13 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
Groundbreaking and Enlightening
By Diane Anstadt
Dr. Lamb has opened the doors to a secret world, that surely almost every female has entered into at one time or another, during those so-called "latency years." Lamb's vignettes from her many interviews are engaging, enlightening, and most definitely liberating. Acknowledging little girls as sexual beings, even from the start, and exposing sexual play and experimentation as a normal, functional part of female development, helps to unburden feelings of guilt, and to confirm what many women have known or wanted to know on some level, all along.
As a clinical social worker, working with children, I have always believed in the normalcy and universality of sexual play among children, but never had this confirmed so definitively until I read Sharon Lamb's book. In spite of my beliefs, my training has taught me to look for warning signs, to look for the abnormal, to suspect sexual abuse, each and every time a child draws sexual pictures, or plays provocatively or sexually with dolls in my office. Though I still believe I will continue to be cautiously aware, always cognizant of the subtle ways that children reveal the important parts of their world to us, I now feel that I am better able to incorporate this healthy perspective of sexuality into my diagnostic impressions, and in my work with children.
I highly recommend this book to clinicians, to parents of daughters, and to every woman. It is my impression, that almost every female can relate to one story or another that is told here, whether it is the naked Barbies, or stories of their own unique sexual or aggressive feelings or encounters in childhood. I believe that Sharon Lamb offers an enlightening, liberating perspective on female sexuality, and she paves the way for many more stories to be told.
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